It was a bright and sunny day. Lady Katya was enjoying a stroll down the street, a smile on her face. Why was she so happy? It was almost dusk and she had yet to see a single woman in sexy armor. "What a beautiful day."
And just like that, a woman in sexy armor walked out of a pub she just happened to be walking past. She looked up at the sky and asked, "Why do you do this to me?" It got worse. The woman had seen her and started coming her way.
"Hey, nice armor," the woman said. "It goes well with your blue hair."
Lady Katya responded by saying, "back off, worm."
The woman gave her a puzzled look and said, "have I done something wrong?"
"I don't acknowledge women in sexy armor," Lady Katya said. "You people are nothing more than maggots, worms, and whores. Cover up, then we can talk."
"Huhn?" the woman asked. "Oh, wait. You're just screwing with me. No woman your age could possibly be that infantile."
"Respect your elders, child," Lady Katya hissed. Then, she realized the opportunity that had just presented itself. She would play nice for now. "Normally, I don't like sexy armor, but yours is a rare exception. Giving it another look, it's cute." It hurt to say it, but that's how she'd get what she wanted. "Might you tell me where you got it from?"
"Oh, sure. There's a place in town called The Novelty Armor Shop. Have you heard of it?"
"No."
The woman pointed down the street. "It's not far from here. Just go down that way a few blocks. You can't miss it."
Lady Katya thanked her and headed there. The woman was right as she saw a group of coming out with in sexy armor they apparently had just bought. "It's time to bring an end to sexy armor in this city once and for all."
Upon setting foot inside, she saw her worst nightmare come true. Sexy armor was hanging everywhere. Chainmail bras, iron thongs, steel miniskirts, and other assorted sexy armors assaulted her eyes. She felt herself stomach turn. "No!"
She ran back out of the store and violently vomited in the road. "Urrp! Hurruh!"
An Emporan soldier came over. "Do you need assistance, milady?"
"I'm fine. I just saw a horrific sight. That's all." She looked back at the store. It was truly an establishment of horrors. She wasn't ready to endure the sights within.
Then, she shook head. This wasn't the time for fear. For the sake of female warriors everywhere, she had to go in a slay the monster that was sexy armor. She took a deep breath, exhaled, stood talk, and approached the store once again.
She entered and saw a man standing there. "You okay, young lady? You just sort screamed and bolted out of here."
"I am not okay, because your establishment sucks."
"It suck?" he asked. "How so?"
She made a sweeping gesture across the whole store. "Just look around. There's not a decent piece of armor anywhere. Everything in here is pathetic. Where's the good armor?"
"At regular armor stores," he answered. "I used to work at another armor store and people constantly came in complaining there wasn't enough sexy armor available. I saw that as an opportunity to make a living, so I opened a shop that sells nothing but sexy armor."
"There's no way a warrior worth her salt would buy any of these," Lady Katya complained.
"Is that so," he asked. "Because the one and only Lady Madison came in a few days ago and bought several armors..."
"Lady Madison is a fraud and a charlatan," Lady Katya said. "The same goes for anyone who would wear any of these...embarrassments you call armor."
"Umm...are you going to buy something or not?" the clerk asked.
"No, I don't want to buy anything." She looked around, then drew her sword. "I want to destroy it."
He blocked her path everywhere she turned. "Hey! Calm down! This is my business here! This is how I feed my wife and kids! I can't let you destroy everything! I'd be ruined!"
"Oh well, it sucks to be your wife and kids," she said.
He tackled her down. "Are you crazy? What's wrong with you?"
She pushed him off and stood. "Sexy armor has no right to exist. I've made it my life mission to show everyone how pointless it is. I've also decided to destroy it when I see it being sold."
He blocked her way again. "Sexy armor isn't that bad. I guarantee you'd see it differently if you wore it sometime."
"Ha! And why would I do that?"
He grabbed her hand and took her over to a mirror. "Because underneath all those plates and chainmail is a sexy warrior waiting to be unleashed. You're a beautiful young woman. Like most female warriors, you're still at an age where you want to show you can be strong and still be sexy. Sexy armor can make that happen. As a matter of fact, I have just the thing for you. Wait here."
She watched him grab a blue armored dress and bring it over. It was very short and provided no coverage of the shoulders or neck. "Oh, hell no," she protested.
"But it matches your hair," he said. "It comes with matching shoulder-length sleeves and thigh-high boots for more coverage. There's also a metal collar to protect your neck. I'll give it to you free of charge." He held it in front of her and pointed to the mirror. "What do you think?"
It did look flattering. And if the boots and sleeves provided enough coverage, it would make for a decent set of armor. It could be both cute and functional.
Wait. What was she thinking? "I won't give in. I won't wear sexy armor!" And with that, she hurried out of the store.
She looked back, fist shaking. Sexy armor may have won today, but she would have the last laugh. Sexy armor would meet its end and she would be the one to bring about that end.
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